1. Hitler's first name was actually Heil. Not Adolf.
2. A layer of fat 60cm thick will render you bulletprooof.
3. Librarians are born without arms. They either use false ones, or stack the books using their teeth. (This fact was discovered by my fabulous sidekick, Dr. Watson)
4. On average, most Britons lose at least 23 socks, 17 biros and 3 remote controls in their lifetime.
5. Most of these lost objects end up stuck underneath a very fat person's overhang.
6. If you take a Yeti, and shave off all its fur, you get something not unsimilar to Kyle Gass from Tenacious D.
7. The leftover fur is used to make Pete Burns' jackets.
8. If you plant a mushroom, and give it enough water and TLC, it will grow into a mushroom cloud.
9. The only substance harder than diamond is the Higher Maths Prelim Exam.
10. Einstein created the formula E=MC Hammer, when E=Unable to touch. Unfortunately, this formula has become misinterpreted over the years.
11. Pork pie jelly bounces. (SAS)
12. Sarah Chalke has had sexual relations with Shelagh. However, she is unavaible for comment at this point in time. (Shelagh)
13. Air was invented in 1873 and was a byproduct of the cardboard box industry. (Hrolf)
14. Goths love balloons. (Hannah)
15. Thom Yorke is a primitive robot and can only produce monotone sound. Any variation in pitch in his voice is actually produced using the Doppler effect. The entire Kid A album was recorded using specially modified rollercoasters at Alton Towers. (Hannah)
16. The first alien this planet ever saw was named G. Bush. He managed to get into the White House, impersonating a human, who by coincidence had the IQ of a fish. (Oli)
17. If you run whilst wearing corduroy trousers, they will catch fire. (Andy)
18. It is a natural law, much like gravity, that should one be unable to attend a Fall Out Boy concert in one's spare time, one must cut class to do so. (Harriet)
19. Harriet is dating Richard Fleeshman. Roxie is a JOKE. (Harriet)
20. If you drink enough Tango, your skin will turn orange. This is why many female youths appear such a colour, and is not the result of make up or Oompa Loompa parents. They can't help it. (Harriet)
21. Every strip of chewing gum contains exactly 214 calories. Except the sugarfree ones. They contain 236.
22. Contrary to popular belief, the French do not surrender. They parley. (Callum)
23. The reason bird flu is spreading so fast is that newspapers worrying about it cause a placebo effect in their readers. (Callum)
24. The Coriolis force, which causes wind to change direction over the Equator, is actually caused by large numbers of people breathing out on the African continent at the same time and has nothing to do with the movement of the Earth. (Callum)
25. The word "Shniz" was originally used by native Peruvians to bless the alpaca wool before it was made into jumpers. (Hannah)
26. There's more sand than you think there is. (Hrolf)
27. The longer you look at eyebrows, the hairier they get. (Hrolf)
28. Backsides alter their shape with people's moods. (Hrolf)
29. People with brown eyes get to see all kinds of extra things that blue-eyed people can't. (Hrolf)
30. Buttocks are becoming exceedingly popular in Britain, with most people owning at least two. (JD)
31. It is thought that the bioculture developing in Dylan Moran's hair will one day produce a cure for AIDS.
32. Perms are what happens when your hair gets a big shock. This can be achieved by watching a horror movie, or sneaking up on your hair with an axe. The traditional method used by hairdressers is showing it pictures of Gary Glitter.
33. The Earth is not round. Not flat either, but hey. Noone really knows for sure exactly what the hell it is. (Callum)
34. The Loch Ness Monster is not a monster at all, but really an escaped circus elephant which has adapted to underwater life. (The Times)
35. Recent surveys show that a human's average life expectancy can be almost doubled if the person in question is an asshole. (Jay)
36. It is common knowledge that Christianity is based around a birth over 2000 years ago. However, a remarkable number of people believe that this birth was important as the baby in question was allegedly the son of God, a misconception which is largely due to the publishing of a book called The Bible. However, the real reason for the fuss made over this birth is due to the fact that the baby was born with a beard.
37. There are only two people in Yemen. There names are Robert, Shem and Japheth. They eat curry from Pizza Hut every third weekend, and also on the 20th of Never every year. (Ben)
38. The word "chic" is derived from the Olde Englishe word for "shite".
39. The tyrannosaurus rex could not scratch it's balls. (Gail)
40. Pianos DO NOT need feeding. Casio keyboards DO. (Hrolf)
41. Harrods is actually a giant spaceship waiting for the intergalctic RAC. (Hrolf)
42. Humans do not really exist, but are actually the voices in Jenny's head. (Hrolf)
43. Parking in Sweden is illegal. (Hrolf)
44. The future is illegal in Switzerland. (Hrolf)
45. Swindon is illegal everywhere. (Hrolf)
46. Sausages should be stroked and talked to reassuringly, prior to being stabbed viciously with a fork and devoured. (Hrolf)
47. There is a hole in Hrolf's bucket. (Hrolf)
48. De Selby was not a lunatic (Hrolf)
49. A warm spoon should be used when presenting a womans breast to a member of aristocracy. (Hrolf)
50. George W Bush has 3 quadruplet sisters. His mother insisted on calling one Gretel, so another is called Hansela. George Sr. is such a joker. However, the smallest and most popular is Quarter, who looks like a 25c coin. This is how the coin got its name. (Ben)

Um, these may or may not be true.

I'll add any more that I think of. Submissions would be well appreciated (I'll give you credit, don't worry). Lets see how big a list of "facts" we can make!

Go.

1. It was a mutant.
2. It was a suicide-kiwi, planted in our fruit bowl by the Mother Kiwi, in an attempt to break my spirit and stop me from attacking their kind ever again.
3. It wasn't ripe yet.
4. It was one of those plastic kiwis my mother bought from Lakeland.

I'm not entirely sure. All seem perfectly plausable to me.

Anyway, I'm going to go do a tribal dance or something, then I might consider writing that stupid essay.

• Enchilladas! Yep, we bought them, cooked them, and ate them. Bliss.
• The Easter Holidays 2005, which we spent roughly 75% of up at Nikki's house playing Switch.
• When we (and Vicky) handed out leaflets for Hen Men at the Edinburgh Festival, and then went to see the show. Fun fun!

That took deep thought to choose just three... Haha, I'll never forget the first time I met her. It was in first year, and Menai and I were going to the chip shop at lunch time, when we bumped into Shannon who didn't know where the chip shop was and had managed to get herself lost. Ah, nostalgia.

So anyway, last night we went to The Mission, as it is Shannon's last weekend, and it was pish, surprise surprise. I hate that stupid place. However, I had the following encounter with a crazy intoxicated lesbian, who I've never met before in my life. A few of us had stepped up onto the stage, and, after realising it was even pisher on the stage than it was on the main floor, we went back down. As we walked along in single file, I was at the back, and this girl just started hugging me:

Crazy Girl: *hug* Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiya!
Me: ???????????? *wtf mate, who the fuck is this?*
Crazy Girl: *something which I didn't hear*
Me: Say wha now?
Crazy Girl: I said, ohmigod you're absolutely lovely!
Me: ............oh, um, thank you...?
Crazy Girl: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Nope.
Crazy Girl: Omg, that's unbelievable, you TOTALLY deserve a boyfriend, you're just so lovely!
Me: *looks around in hope of rescue squad, or at the very least, the men in white coats* ...thanks?!
Crazy Girl: *thumbs up*
Me: *thumbs up*
Then I ran away and caught up with my friends.

That totally made my day.

That, and the beads I bought in the Topshop sale earlier.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the general lack of and shittiness of my recent bloggage. Myspazzz and the Forum are, quite frankly, more interesting.

Listen to: Joshua Radin - Closer. It's a bloody good song. You can hear it on my myspace page, there's a link on the left somewhere.

Does anyone have any songs by Ladyfuzz that they want to send me? (it's a band, before you think anything else. Oh god, think of the searches I'm going to get.)

Hmm. I want to spice up this blog a bit, as it's no doubt really boring and shit, especially for the people who don't actually know me or Shannon or anyone, so I thought I'd stick a joke on the end. Trouble is, I can't think of any. So you'll just have to imagine there's a joke here unless someone tells me a decent one.

Chow.

The stupid pissing photo upload isn't working. So, Ben, there's a couple of pictures of you at camp. Hope you're happy now! *metaphorical-sticking-out-of-the-tongue-and-blowing-a-raspberry*

And, in an attempt to flesh out this blog a little, I've realised something else.

I can't eat kiwis.

And it's not for lack of trying, either. I just got a mouthful of kiwi-hair. And, believe it or not, it's not quite as tasty as you might expect.

 Oh, and I just want to add that I love Take That - Back For Good. And I know you all love it too. I just have the balls to admit it to the internet.

1. A partridge in a pear tree. I don't really foresee anyone actually giving me one of these, but seriously, of what use are they to anyone? I mean, fair enough if I lived in a climate suitable for growing pears in, but I don't think the pure Baltic winds of Linlithgow are all that good. Don't want no smelly partridge either. This'd go on eBay.

2. A recorder, ocarina, or any other plastic instrument. The noise of hell itself.

3. Incense. I have more of the stuff than I do hair follicles.

4. War being "over" for the nth time (but only if you really want it). And, while I'm on the subject, I think they've all gathered that it's Christmas by now. These two little nuggets of information seem to have bypassed all of the shops and radio stations that play these songs repeatedly. Get over it. "And so this is Christmas, and what have you done?" Um, not much, invaded a few countries and blew a few things up, but yes, this year I really DO want war to be over. Honest.

5. And while I'm on that (musical) note, Westlife. You Raise Me Up is god awful. It is a DISEASE RIDDEN TURD in musical form. It is an example of the awful depths to which the music scene has sunk. It will, undoubtedly, reach Christmas Number 1.

6. Those slightly rather ridiculous decorations. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the odd tree or fairy light (Scrooge, me? Never.) but I think houses like this are taking it a bit far:

 Also, I'm not exactly sure what the owners of this house were going for:

To me, he looks positively suicidal. 

7. Anything associated with Nickelback. Die, die now, you mongrels.

8. A pig, whether real or toy. I hate pigs. They repulse me. They are not cute. At all. Ever. How can you people possibly find something that snorts attractive? Or something with a slimy snuffly snout? Eurgh. (Sorry Ailbhe!)

9. A tellybox permanently tuned to bid-up tv. I don't know who makes these, or how I would end up receiving one, but I don't want one. Ever.

10. More Crazy Frog stuff. However, I don't want more Crazy Frog stuff to be spawned from the company that is Satan in business form, Jamster, not because I find him annoying, not because I want to spork out his eyes and feed them to a pig, which are indeed disgusting creatures, and not because his bading-ding-ding's make my ears want to vomit (haha Phill, STOLE! *cough*). No, I want him to be banished to eternal hell because I am SICK TO BLOODY DEATH of everyone moaning about how annoying they find him. Get over it, already.

Well, since this blog has probably made me sound like the love child of Scrooge and the Grinch, I'd like to wish everyone reading a Merry Christmas. And, for the record, if anyone wants to get me Frou Frou's album, Chad Kroeger's head on a silver platter, or the Scrubs box sets, I'd be very thankingful.

Oh, and I lied. I like Christmas songs. Sorry.

[EDIT] When I say I like Christmas songs, I mean the good ones. And yes, HT, that includes Wham!.

• You, the blog reader, will either email, link to, or post a blog containing a picture which has something to do with Hallowe'en. Make it funny, creepy, genuinly scary, whatever you please. If you don't want to do a picture, you could write a poem, or make a story. I don't care, I want entries! As long as it's creative and Hallowe'en related.
• On the 1st November, I will choose my favourites.
• Not sure what the prize will be. Any ideas? I will definitely promote the winner(s) for a while, but perhaps something more will go down well? We will see.

Please enter! Spread the word, and don't forget to check out my last blog, which I am covering up by writing this :(

Sorry for the short notice, I only decided to do this today. If there hasn't been a decent amount of entries by Tuesday then I will extend it for a few more days.

Ghoulies, Ghosties and plastic onions,
Jenny

CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST! I LOVED HIM! *and a-singing* Casper the friendly ghost, the friendliest ghost you know! The grownups might look at him with fright, but the children love him so!

• Pepsi
• Caffeine free Pepsi
• Diet Pepsi
• Diet Caffeine free Pepsi
• Pepsi One (A variety apparently containing only one calorie. One calorie per litre? Glass? Drop? SPECIFY, BITCHES!)
• Wild Cherry Pepsi
• Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi
• Lime Pepsi
• Diet Lime Pepsi
• Vanilla Pepsi
• Diet Vanilla Pepsi

You will notice the lack of Pepsi Max and Pepsi Twist. These Americans are clearly above our puerile little attempts at variety in sodas.
The same supermarket also had 7 rows devoted entirely to Gatorade.

So what have I done in this wonderful state? Well, what DO you do in Florida when you have a younger brother? As far as my family is concerned, we have no choice but to go theme parking. Trouble is, we were in Florida last summer and did all the theme parks about 349825 times each, so there's not really anything new...

Seriously though, walking around these theme parks, the majority of the Americans you see are either obese or anorexic. Though I suppose it's not surprising, given the vast meals, and the fact that a single Krispy Kreme contains 22g of saturated fat. I KNOW. How utterly repulsive. Still, reluctant as I am to eat one again within the next few decades, they are damn good.
Usually, I feel no sympathy for the obese people. Unless they have a medical problem, it's usually their own fault, from lack of exercise and/or excess food. But what really made me feel sad was when a rather overweight guy infront of me in the queue for Kraken (a rollercoaster at Seaworld) couldn't go on the ride because he was too big to get the restraint bar thing over himself. This guy had queued for about 45 minutes, only to get turned away because he was too fat, and had to watch his friends go off on the ride without him. One of his friends didn't go on the ride to keep him company, and as he walked past me I could hear him saying to her"I'm going home. I have to go home. I'm going home" over and over again.

One highlight of today though was the Fear Factor Live show. This is basically a live version of Fear Factor, surprise surprise, where audience members perform stunts not unlike those Bush Tucker Trials or whatever that they did on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Anyway, there was 6 contestants in the show: 4 Americans, an English guy, and a Scottish guy. It was practically like the fahkin' American Revolution or something, with everyone rooting for their home turf. The English guy was out in the first round. Haha :P The Scottish guy sailed through each round, coming first spectacularly in everything, and no, I'm not lying. This, of course, was rather excellent, and put a rather subdued gloom over the Americans in the theatre. What made it even better is that while all the contestants were 20s, early 30s, the Scottish guy was a balding, white haired grandfather. And he kicked their butts! Bitchin'. It's such a shame we can't excel at more critically acclaimed activities, such as football, or golf. We can win at Fear Factor, we can spawn incredible numbers of increasingly violent neds (chavs), we can give the world Franz Ferdinand, we can invent the television, eat sheeps innards, but can we kick a ball into a net? Don't be stupid.

Anyway, obviously there's been more stuff, but I'm gonna go crash now. Going to spend the day at Downtown Disney tomorrow, which should be good, especially with that rather massive Virgin Megastore and the guitar shop they have there. Oh, I finished my book yesterday, and I stupidly only brought one with me. It's "Dead Famous" by Ben Elton, and is now one of my favourite books ever. No, THE best book ever. It's a sort of parody of the whole Big Brother, reality TV scenario, where one of the housemates is murdered during a task, and turns into a big whodunnit. It's very very funny and gripping. What's more, I managed to guess the murderer correctly. Hooray! Anyway, go buy it now, enjoy the October break, and I will no doubt blog at some point to tell you all more about my adventures, because I know you are all riveted.

Respect, big time! Wicked. Big up Ben Elton! Hahahaa, I love that book!
Jenny

Oh, and by the way, I got my 10,000th hit. Sorry Karishma, but it was from a porn search from Google. I could promote Google for a while, but frankly I think everyone already knows about it, and porn, well that's just old news.

 

Gay campaigners are demanding that a zoo stops trying to force its [complete with blatant grammar blunder. You would think a journalist might have some sort of standards] gay penguins fo go straight. Bosses at Bremerhaven Zoo in Germany flew in female penguins from Austria to tempt its [and again] males after discovering most were in same-sex relationships and not producing offspring. But gay pressure group HOSI attacked 'the attempts to interfere in their natural instincts of these birds'. So far, the gay penguins have not been tempted.

Cor blimey, Guv, surely there's some sort of moral issue there? Also, what a stupid way to try and solve the problem. It's like going "I know! I'll put all the homosexual males in a room with lots of heterosexual females, and voila! Soon there will be little heterosexual babies crawling up the walls!". Except they are penguins, not people. Good on the penguins for standing up for their (anal) beliefs! Perhaps the Germans will resort to their old ways of cutting the penguins up to see what makes them gay. I get the feeling that may raise a few moral issues as well. Oh well.

I'm going to close the interactive theme vote in a few days, so if you haven't voted yet, scroll down and do your thang!

Well, this is another excessively long blog, but since it's got big pictures I think you can all forgive me. And buy me presents.

Pip, pip.
Jen xxx

1. Woman is born with penis instead of nose.
2. TJ is caught looking at dead gigolos massive penis.
3. Woman with penis for nose sneezes, and cum flies everywhere.
4. TJ is caught with (a different) dead gigolos penis in his hand.
5. Man tries to enlarge his penis. His penis explodes.
6. Gigolos have vegetables down their pants, to make their penises looks bigger.
7. Deuce recieves an award called The Big Boner or something like that.

Does anyone spot a theme? (Fuck, I'm going to get some VERY interesting searches...)

Frankly, the adverts were a hell of a lot better than the film. There was a trailer for that film about the Brothers Grimm, which I watched literally with my jaw dropped. It looks so cool! There was also one for some film, I think it was Serenity, which made me laugh from the conversation between a pilot and a crew member on some plane or space ship or something:

Pilot: This looks interesting.
Crew Member: Define interesting...
Pilot: We are all going to crash and die.
Crew Member: Shit one. *switches on intercom* "Ladies and gentlemen, there may be some turbulence... and explosions"

I love it already!

Shit, I haven't actually got to the interesting part of my day yet. But this blog is disgustingly long already, and if anyone has actually got this far then I LOVE YOU! Anyway, I'll stop talking about my day now, and leave the rest until another night, unless I have thought of something decent to blog about.

This sentence has no meaning, but there is a link for each word! It's a surprise, if you don't look at the status bar. Damn you.

Now, I will say my goodbyes. In fact, I'll sing you that song we learnt in Belgium last year:

"Bonsoir, old thing, cheerio, chin chin, napoo, toodle oo, GOODBYEE!"

J-Bored

xxx

Sorry for the lack of coherancy, and interesting things. And sorry if I spoiled Deuce Bigalow for anyone.

[EDIT] Fuck, just realised how long this is. Sorry guys. I'll go stick some lines in to break it up a bit. Also, some of the links are over two words. I've tried to change it but it won't let me for some reason. Hope no one feels too cheated.

1. Your sentence must be coherant and fit with the previous one.
2. Please copy and paste the story before adding your sentence. This makes it a hell of a lot easier for everyone.
3. Try and use proper spelling and grammar, if you can. Pirate speak is also accepted.
4. I don't mind swearing, but don't make it too crude please.
5. You don't have to leave a full sentence every time, but please try and leave a whole sentence. You can't follow on from your own sentence.

I think that's it. Enjoy!

The starting sentence is: Cap'n Stumpy looked out over the misty waters.

And so, to finish off:

HULLAWRER! YE SCURVY DOGS! FILTHY LANDLUBBERS!

Toodles,

Cap'n Jen xxx

This is fairly simple, so even the slowest among you should grasp the basic concept. I want a new theme for my space, but which one? I have taken screenshots of a selected few. Please vote and tell me which one(s) are the best, in your opinion.

Everyone who votes will get some chocolate lollipops!

Blue

Fireworks

Fishies

Flowers

Orange

Music

Autumny

Pastel

Pink

Snowflake

Sunny

White

Yellow